Monday, August 13, 2007

Lawsuits Aplenty

A man in Morgantown, West Virginia is suing fast-food giant McDonald’s for $10 million because they put cheese on his hamburger.

According to a recent story in the Charleston Daily Mail, “The man says he bit into a hamburger and had a severe allergic reaction to the cheese melted on it. Jeromy Jackson, who is in his early 20s, says he clearly ordered two Quarter Pounders without cheese at the McDonald's restaurant in Star City before heading to Clarksburg.”

“His mother Trela Jackson and friend Andrew Ellifritz are parties to the lawsuit because they say they risked their lives rushing Jeromy to United Hospital Center in Clarksburg.”

According to the report, “the three drove to Clarksburg and started to eat the food in a darkened room where they were going to watch a movie, Houston said.”

Anyone who has ordered fast food at a drive-through window in the last 10 years knows to check their order at the window before pulling out of the line. There is a humorous scene in one of the Lethal Weapon films in which Joe Pesci delivers a profanity-filled rant about the high probability of having one’s order messed up when using the drive-through window. I am not sure what movie the threesome was planning to watch, but if they would have rented Lethal Weapon, they could have save a little pain and suffering.

Mr. Jackson must be the most lactose intolerant man on the planet. Actually, I didn’t even know that McDonald’s used real cheese on their hamburgers. I thought that they used one of those cheese-food type products.

In 1992, a lady received $2.9 million after spilling McDonald’s coffee in her lap. In 2002, two overweight girls sued the largest burger chain in the world claiming that McDonald’s food made them fat. Before long, McDonald’s will have to change their corporate symbol from golden aches to a huge bullseye.

Everyone is suing everyone else nowadays. Maybe I’ll find an open-minded judge, a few sympathetic jurors, a billboard lawyer, and sue some people, too.

In today’s legal climate I could have a field day. There are tons of people who have caused me irreparable harm over the course of my life. I’ll sue them all.

I will sue the Mattel toy company for using those evil twist-ties when packaging Barbie dolls requiring a mechanical engineering degree just to free Barbie from her box.

I will sue Led Zeppelin for the hearing loss I sustained while listening to their music with headphones on during high school. Add the Rolling Stones, Pink Floyd, and Van Halen to that list.

I will sue Sony because the clock on my DVD player is still blinking.

I will sue movie director, Martin Scorsese, for making movies so well that I have spent approximately 1,235 non-productive hours in a sedentary state— time which could have been spent in community service or in the pursuit of world peace— watching his films.

I will sue all of the major disco groups of the 1970s because I never learned to do the Hustle.

I will sue Bobby Brown for messing up the life and career of Whitney Houston, and then I’ll sue Whitney Houston for marrying Bobby Brown in the first place.

I’ll sue the makers of mousse hair gel, because I applied so much of it to my mullet-style haircut in 1986 that my hair began to fall out— a serious condition that continues to this day.

I will sue my wife for making my son and me sit through the movie version of the musical Hairspray. I will then sue John Travolta and the movie’s producers to have those 177 minutes of my life given back to me.

I will sue the producers of the TV show So You Think You Can Dance because, at one time in my life, I actually thought that I could dance. It turns out that I was terribly terribly wrong.

I will sue the makers of Milk Duds— $1 million for each silver amalgam filling in my mouth.

I will sue the makers of amalgam fillings because they allegedly lead to a loss of memory.

I had other lawsuits in mind, but I have forgotten them.

If a lady can get almost $3 million for coffee burns and a guy can get $10 million because they gave him cheese on his burger, I should certainly be entitled to a cash award for all of the horrible atrocities that I have been forced to endure over the course of my life.

Black and Blue Burger

3 pounds Ground Beef
1/3 cup Blackening Seasoning
1 Tbl Kosher Salt

1/2 pound Blue Cheese Crumbles

6 Hamburger Buns
1/4 cup Unsalted Butter, melted

6 Slices Red Onion
8-12 slices Ripe Tomato
2 cups Iceburg Lettuce, shredded

1 recipe Blue Cheese Dressing

Divide the ground beef into 6 equal parts and form 1-1/2-inch thick patties.

Sprinkle patties with the blackening seasoning and salt. Cook over direct high heat for 8-10 minutes for medium- medium well burgers (155-160 degrees). While the burgers are still on the grill, top with blue cheese crumbles dividing equally between burgers. Close the grill lid to melt blue cheese.

Brush the inside surfaces of the hamburger buns with the melted butter. Place on grill and cook over medium-direct heat for 2-3 minutes. Place burgers on the grilled buns and top with onion, tomato and lettuce. Serve the blue cheese dressing on the side

Yield: 6 burgers

Blue Cheese Dressing

1 cup mayonnaise
1/2 cup crumbled blue cheese
1/3 cup sour cream
3/4 cup half and half
1/2 tsp paprika
1 Tbl garlic powder
1 tsp Worcestershire Sauce
1/2 tsp white pepper

Use a wire whip to combine the mayonnaise, blue cheese, sour cream and half and half in a stainless steel bowl. Mix these ingredients together thoroughly and then add the remaining ingredients and blend together. Refrigerate until needed. Best if made a day in advance.

2 1/2 cups

No comments: