Monday, May 08, 2006

The New Mississippi Oil Boom

Yesterday I spent $70.00 to fill my vehicle with gas.

Gasoline prices are at an all-time high and experts are forecasting even steeper prices in the near future. I am not worried.

With all of the recent talk of record-high gas prices affecting the economy, more information is now being released about biodiesel as an alternative fuel. Biodiesel is a reformulated diesel fuel that is produced from animal fat, vegetable oil, or recycled restaurant grease.

I won’t worry about high gas prices because I live in Mississippi the recycled-restaurant grease, deep-fat frying capital of the world. This biodiesel stuff is going to place us into the driver’s seat for the 21 st century, just as cotton did in the 19 th century. Folks, we’re back!

This is exciting. One can’t throw a rock in Mississippi without hitting an all-you-can-eat catfish buffet or fried chicken franchise. Hell, we even fry biscuits, Twinkies and Snicker bars down here. We’ve got more grease than any region on the planet.

Mr. Bush, we don’t need more foreign oil, we need more fried catfish restaurants.

Iowa and Nebraska only thought they had a leg up on the alternative-fuel solution with their corn-made ethanol. Mississippi now has the edge with recycled restaurant grease. Though we need to speak to someone about a better name, biodiesel doesn’t exactly roll off of the tongue.

I propose Lardinol (Note: I hereby register the word Lardinol and want a percentage of all future sales for coming up with the catchy name) Not only does Lardinol® sound more elegant than ethanol, it does what all great product names should do— it tells the consumer what it’s about. Lardinol® is produced because we have “lard in all” of our food. Mississippi, it’s us. It’s here. It’s now. It’s brilliant. I’m proud.

The fossil fuels giants’ best days are behind them. Move over Saudi Arabia and Qatar, Mississippi is soon to become the petroleum capital of the planet.

The Nissan plant in Canton can do their part by retrofitting their automobiles to burn Lardinol®. Better still, maybe one of the Nissan engineers can develop an SUV with a built-in deep fat fryer in the third row seat. Americans could fry chicken gizzards while driving to and from work, never once having to stop at a gas station.

Ah, the possibilities.

So long “Black Gold,” “Texas T,” the Lone Star state’s oil monopoly is over. The wells will run dry. The glass skyscrapers in Houston will empty. Movies such as Giant and TV shows reminiscent of Dallas are long gone. Look for the new nighttime soap opera Tutwiler— the riveting weekly saga of a catfish farming family’s biodiesel dynasty in a small Mississippi Delta town— complete with the first season cliffhanger: Who shot Billy Earl?

And we thought being the fattest state in the union was a detriment. On the contrary, we have only been going back for seconds to do our part in helping solve the world’s energy needs. From now on, each and every Mississippian should line up at the fried seafood buffet a minimum of three times a week. It is in our country’s best interest. National security is at stake. Pile a few extra hushpuppies on your plate; it’s your duty as a patriotic American, and a citizen of the soon-to-be richest state in the union.

When the oil-rich nations’ power began to increase, they formed the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries, better known as OPEC. As the Lardinol® craze catches on, and cars begin to burn recycled tater tot grease, we will need to form our own alliance. Therefore, as of today, I am establishing the Federation for Lard Advancement through Biodiesel, FLAB. Again, a name that tells it all, and again, I want a cut for creating the catchy handle.

Our new state motto: Save gas, eat catfish. E Pluribus Eatum, Amen.

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